he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
