I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
