The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
