I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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