I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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