apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
