One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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