Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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