I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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