When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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