Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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