I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
