i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
