The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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