just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
