I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
