i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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