He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
