Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
