My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
