Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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