You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
