worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
