if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
