Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
