i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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