I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
