so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
