If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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