Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
