I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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