He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The feeling are messing with the penis
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
