According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
