I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
