girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
