I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
