can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
