Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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