he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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