respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I AM VODKA MAN
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