i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
