4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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