My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
