my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
