I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
