Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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