dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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