Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
