awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
