my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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